Doldrums

chest heaving,
time ticking
nerves pounding,
heart drumming,
on and on ond on

there’s life
after a storm
it creeps and its drawn
but we can move
on and on and on

there is no turn in this bend
just a streched of a long dirt road
unlit when darkness descends
unforgiving when coldness holds

the sad song plays
and beat skips slow
the strings play along
and the notes dragged
on and on and on

there is no turn in this bend
just a streched of a long dirt road
an eternal stretch without and end
and my back burdened with the load

keep pushin on
on and on and on…
keep digging on
till all the pain is gone

Reflection on Trust and Doubt

cracked

When you find your trust has been broken by people you cared for would you ever trust them again? It took me sometime to finally put this in to words for I was never one who could model for trustworthiness. So here it is: my reflection on Trust and doubts.

Trusting again is never easy. Once trust has been broken within a relationship, it becomes a choice between trying again or let it all go. The years you’ve spent together sometimes doesn’t necessarily bring you closer, sometimes the years you’ve spent together make things too ordinary, familiar and sometimes familiarity coupled with routine and ordinary breeds boredom. It is often when boredom strikes that trusts are broken.

The question is:  Will you choose to try again? And are you sure you want to try again? I have seen relationships torn by stories of betrayal and hampered by distrust. They tried going back together but trust once broken becomes a choice. There is no such thing as mending when it comes to trust. Trust is like a glass, once broken, mending it will not make it whole again. Trust becomes disposable once broken because a repaired trust would show crack and crack means it is fragile and it is just a matter of time before it breaks apart again.

Trust is different between the weak and the strong people. The weaker ones would attempt to repair,  the strong hearted people can discard old broken trust and replace it with a new one. Easier said than done but it is the only way to go. I heard people say it is never easy to bring back my trust once broken. That is correct; it is not easy so why try bringing it back. Try to trust anew. Fully.

Half trust is never a solution to anything in a relationship. It is either you trust or do not trust at all, there is no halfway, no half-baked attempts, no gray area. Trust is something that you give fully, not cracked or mended. Half trust means half doubt. Doubt is a parasite. A sliver of doubt could make every effort crumble down. No matter what you do doubt consumes absolutely once you give in to it. So it’s either you trust fully or let go. All your efforts will be in vain once mixed with distrust. All things that your partner does will be taken with distrust even the most innocent ones and that could be very stressful for you both. It will destroy the stuff you began to rebuild and you will find yourself with nothing to go on, only hate. And hate goes nowhere.

So trust or let go. Those are your two choices. If you choose to hold on let go of your doubt. Start fresh, take a leap of faith that you have both learned from your mistakes and this time you will both get it right.

Equinox

set
Wandering feet goes far
A wandering heart goes farther
When sole travels in distance beyond trails and harbors
The soul travels through life not gardens and arbors

What lies beyond the mist that thy eyes cannot see?
What’s with the unknown and unseen that beckons thyself to thee?
Was it an adventure worthy of your childhood dreams?
Or just a romanticized folly of a one man’s whim?

The steps taken that brought you smile and wants
Are the same steps that bore angst and grunts
Now you stop moving as the tide ebbed and sways
Hereto we conclude who goes and who stays

Some steps cannot be retraced as they usually do,
So I’ll plow ahead, painfully, haltingly pushin’ through
Travel in arches and curves and rings and circles
Till I find myself again, right next to you.

How A Tulip Came To Be

chulip2

 

Drip drop like drizzle on the window pane
Clear puddles forming, gentle, silent, sane
Drowning little marks of age left on the glass
Prints vanishing ever slowly along with its bitter past

As the tributary makes its way to the darkened ground
Parched ground moisting, and breathes and bursts
Flowing through wounds that healing latterly found
Once devoid of certitude now hopeful with trusts

How time have forsaken this seed so small
Taken for granted, discarded and remembered not at all
Now embraced by moisture, the seed loses all fear
Touched by love and it begun to stir

Maybe the seed that was once bashful is now opening to life
Maybe a small drizzle opened its colorful petals to thee
Maybe love has erased her pain and hurt and strife
Maybe this is how a tulip came to be.

 

Ortigas Center, Pasig City, 04/24/16 3:42 AM

A Lighter Shade Of Gray

mask

I was asked; Are you really that formal? Are you that serious all the time? I leaned back and asked myself the same question; Am I?

One thing that I stopped doing a long time ago is to judge myself. Passing judgment upon yourself is a long tenuous and thankless task.   Nowadays I let others do that for me. And to be honest, I don’t really care. I loss track on when exactly that I stopped caring. It doesn’t matter anyway.

So when that question popped up a few days back it stirred something in me. Am I?

I guess apathy is all consuming sometimes. The moment you stop caring is moment you turn cold. The coldness builds in you and keeps building inside till everything freezes over. When that happens you needed a spark to get some warmth going. Thaw it out till you feel yourself again.

I looked into everything I did a long time ago until I remembered this long forgotten blog. I use to get this page updated daily until I got bored and stopped writing. I use to love writing. I was editor-in-chief of the university paper back in college but I guess all things are fleeting; Time changes, priorities gets mixed up and life goes on. It has been a year since I last visited the page. Checking the counter it shows 78,764. Imagine that, 78,764 times this page has been visited. By whom? I don’t know. people I guess. :).

I began reading trough my post from the latest going back. And I go deeper and deeper It felt weird. It feels like I was regressing. Then I realized my mistake, I was going through the blog the wrong way. I need to start from the oldest post to the latest. So I went through it for two days and kept on going.  I felt a sense of melancholy on some post, smirked on some and smiled on the rest.

So after some thought I am ready to answer the question.

I was asked; Are you really that formal? Are you that serious all the time?

I have my mood swings. That I know. But the answer is No. I am not always serious and No I am not that formal. In fact I don’t think I was ever formal. 🙂 From the beginning I was never a black and white kind of person. I am always on the gray. I just move my pieces from one shade to another. I moved with my whims. I joked, fought, loved and played. I laughed at my silliness, smiled at my joy , cried at my pain, mourn my losses, then I move on.

Reading through my own blog got me grounded. I could really be serious, sarcastic, silly, immature, mature and a jerk all at the same time and It feels right. Yes, it feels right.

Autumn Of Our Lives

I could think of so many excuses why I refuse to grow old. And why not, it seems only yesterday when we were in college. Prime of our lives, people calls it; back when we were fun and cares less if the air-conditioning system is blowing a winter right into our young faces. How long […]

The Truth About The Mayan Calendar


Noong isang gabi walang magawa ang mga kumag sa opisina kung hindi mag usap usap about sa new year na paparating. Kung totoo daw bang magwawakas na ang mundo nitong 2012. Gusto kong matawa, eh bakit ba naman hindi, eh anak ng tinapa, taon taon na lang yata mula noong year 1999 ay naririnig kong end of the world na daw pagsapit ng new year, eto nanaman ngayon.

Ang contention naman ng mga doomsday preachers sa grupo ngayon ay na predict na daw ni Nostradamus ang pagtatapos ng mundo ngayon at sinamahan pa daw ng patotoo ng Mayan Calendar, Naghanap pa ng damay ang mga anak ng tipaklong. Kinailangan pa nila ng hard eveidence para papaniwalain kami na magtatapos na nga ang mundo. Ako naman sa dami ng pinagkakautangan kong tao parang gusto ko nang sakyan ang mga death wish ng mga hindoropot dito sa opisina. parang winiwish ko na din na “sana nga Lord matuloy na this time”. Easy way out, front row seat to the end of the world and drama kumbaga. bwiset.

Hindi ko talaga lubos maisip kung bakit paniwalang paniwala ang mga mokong dito sa opisina sa Mayan Calendar na yan. Hindi ba nila alam ang totoong kwento ng Mayan Calendar na yan. Sa mga hindi nakakaalam, Pabayaan nyong Ikwento ko sa inyo ang katotohanan tungkol sa Mayan Calendar. Ganito yun..

Noong ika limang siglo sa lupang kilala natin ngayon sa pangalang Columbia, may isang kahariaan na tahanan ng mga taong nakabahag na pinamumunuan ng isang haring nakabahag din. Ang tawag sa grupo ng taong ito ay Maya.

Masayahing tao ang mga Maya, kung hindi sila nanunugod ng village ng ibang tribu, and past time nila ay mamugot ng ulo ng mga nabihag na kaaway bilang past time.

Isang araw bago mag bagong taon ipinatawag ng haring nakabahag ang  dalawa sa pinakamagaling na eskultor ng tribu. pagdating ng eskultor sa Palasyo ng hari, nagtaka ang mga eskultor kung bakit sila pinatawag  ng hari kaya tinanong nila ito

Eskultor 1: Mahal na hari bakit niyo po kami pinatawag?
Hari: May ipapagawa ako sa inyo.
Eskultor 2: Ano po ang maipaglilingkod namin
Hari: Nakikita ninyo yung bilog na batong iyon? (sabay turo sa batong nasa  gilid ng palasyo) nais kong gawan ninyo ako ng Tzolk’in gamit ang batong iyon.

Hindi naintindihan ng dalawang eskultor ang nais ipagawa ng hari sapagkat bago sa pandinig nila ang salitang tzolk’in. Ang tzolk’in ay isang coined word o pagsasama ng dalang salita, parang ang salitang ‘spork’ na ang ibig sabihin ay spoon and fork, or ‘taglish’ na pinagsamang Tagalo at english, o ang salitang ‘De kemerloo de eklavoo ‘ng mga bakla na hindi ko din naiintindihan. Anyway, balik sa kwento,

Eskultor 1: ano po ba ang ibig sabihin ng tzolk’in?
Hari: Count of Days
Eskultor 2: Ang alin ho?
Hari: ang Tzolk’in
Eskultor 1: Ano nga ho yun?
Hari: Taena, ibig sabihin nun kalendaryo mga ugok.
Eskultor 2: ah kalendaryo lang pala pinahirap niyo pa. Yun lang ang kailangang sabihin, kalendaryo, pa-tzolk’in tzolk’in pa eh.

Imumpisahan ng dalawang eskultor and pag-gawa ng kalendaryo. isang oras bago sumapit ang bagong taon natapos nila ang kalendaryo. kaagad nila itong dinala sa hari.
Hari: Bakit hanggang December 2012 lang ang petso dito sa tzolk’in na ito, tanong niya.
Eskultor 1: Mahal na hari, maliit lang ang binigay ninyong bato. hindi ho kasya hanggang 2013.
Hari: Ganoon ba? Maraming mapaparanoid dito sa kalendaryong ito pagdating ng araw.
Eskultor 2: Problema na nila yun mahal na hari. anong magagawa natin eh sadyang maliit lang talaga yung bato.
Hari: Kung sabagay. hala, di bale, ilagay niya na lang sa gilid yang tzolk’in na yan, inuman na lang tayo.

Yan po ang tunay na istorya ng Mayan calendar. Sana maibsan nito ang inyong pag aalala, yung mga kaopisina ko eh tila wala nang pag asang maliwanagan.

Happy New Year