A Lighter Shade Of Gray

mask

I was asked; Are you really that formal? Are you that serious all the time? I leaned back and asked myself the same question; Am I?

One thing that I stopped doing a long time ago is to judge myself. Passing judgment upon yourself is a long tenuous and thankless task.   Nowadays I let others do that for me. And to be honest, I don’t really care. I loss track on when exactly that I stopped caring. It doesn’t matter anyway.

So when that question popped up a few days back it stirred something in me. Am I?

I guess apathy is all consuming sometimes. The moment you stop caring is moment you turn cold. The coldness builds in you and keeps building inside till everything freezes over. When that happens you needed a spark to get some warmth going. Thaw it out till you feel yourself again.

I looked into everything I did a long time ago until I remembered this long forgotten blog. I use to get this page updated daily until I got bored and stopped writing. I use to love writing. I was editor-in-chief of the university paper back in college but I guess all things are fleeting; Time changes, priorities gets mixed up and life goes on. It has been a year since I last visited the page. Checking the counter it shows 78,764. Imagine that, 78,764 times this page has been visited. By whom? I don’t know. people I guess.🙂.

I began reading trough my post from the latest going back. And I go deeper and deeper It felt weird. It feels like I was regressing. Then I realized my mistake, I was going through the blog the wrong way. I need to start from the oldest post to the latest. So I went through it for two days and kept on going.  I felt a sense of melancholy on some post, smirked on some and smiled on the rest.

So after some thought I am ready to answer the question.

I was asked; Are you really that formal? Are you that serious all the time?

I have my mood swings. That I know. But the answer is No. I am not always serious and No I am not that formal. In fact I don’t think I was ever formal.🙂 From the beginning I was never a black and white kind of person. I am always on the gray. I just move my pieces from one shade to another. I moved with my whims. I joked, fought, loved and played. I laughed at my silliness, smiled at my joy , cried at my pain, mourn my losses, then I move on.

Reading through my own blog got me grounded. I could really be serious, sarcastic, silly, immature, mature and a jerk all at the same time and It feels right. Yes, it feels right.

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