Reflection on Trust and Doubt

cracked

When you find your trust has been broken by people you cared for would you ever trust them again? It took me sometime to finally put this in to words for I was never one who could model for trustworthiness. So here it is: my reflection on Trust and doubts.

Trusting again is never easy. Once trust has been broken within a relationship, it becomes a choice between trying again or let it all go. The years you’ve spent together sometimes doesn’t necessarily bring you closer, sometimes the years you’ve spent together make things too ordinary, familiar and sometimes familiarity coupled with routine and ordinary breeds boredom. It is often when boredom strikes that trusts are broken.

The question is:  Will you choose to try again? And are you sure you want to try again? I have seen relationships torn by stories of betrayal and hampered by distrust. They tried going back together but trust once broken becomes a choice. There is no such thing as mending when it comes to trust. Trust is like a glass, once broken, mending it will not make it whole again. Trust becomes disposable once broken because a repaired trust would show crack and crack means it is fragile and it is just a matter of time before it breaks apart again.

Trust is different between the weak and the strong people. The weaker ones would attempt to repair,  the strong hearted people can discard old broken trust and replace it with a new one. Easier said than done but it is the only way to go. I heard people say it is never easy to bring back my trust once broken. That is correct; it is not easy so why try bringing it back. Try to trust anew. Fully.

Half trust is never a solution to anything in a relationship. It is either you trust or do not trust at all, there is no halfway, no half-baked attempts, no gray area. Trust is something that you give fully, not cracked or mended. Half trust means half doubt. Doubt is a parasite. A sliver of doubt could make every effort crumble down. No matter what you do doubt consumes absolutely once you give in to it. So it’s either you trust fully or let go. All your efforts will be in vain once mixed with distrust. All things that your partner does will be taken with distrust even the most innocent ones and that could be very stressful for you both. It will destroy the stuff you began to rebuild and you will find yourself with nothing to go on, only hate. And hate goes nowhere.

So trust or let go. Those are your two choices. If you choose to hold on let go of your doubt. Start fresh, take a leap of faith that you have both learned from your mistakes and this time you will both get it right.

Equinox

set
Wandering feet goes far
A wandering heart goes farther
When sole travels in distance beyond trails and harbors
The soul travels through life not gardens and arbors

What lies beyond the mist that thy eyes cannot see?
What’s with the unknown and unseen that beckons thyself to thee?
Was it an adventure worthy of your childhood dreams?
Or just a romanticized folly of a one man’s whim?

The steps taken that brought you smile and wants
Are the same steps that bore angst and grunts
Now you stop moving as the tide ebbed and sways
Hereto we conclude who goes and who stays

Some steps cannot be retraced as they usually do,
So I’ll plow ahead, painfully, haltingly pushin’ through
Travel in arches and curves and rings and circles
Till I find myself again, right next to you.

How A Tulip Came To Be

chulip2

 

Drip drop like drizzle on the window pane
Clear puddles forming, gentle, silent, sane
Drowning little marks of age left on the glass
Prints vanishing ever slowly along with its bitter past

As the tributary makes its way to the darkened ground
Parched ground moisting, and breathes and bursts
Flowing through wounds that healing latterly found
Once devoid of certitude now hopeful with trusts

How time have forsaken this seed so small
Taken for granted, discarded and remembered not at all
Now embraced by moisture, the seed loses all fear
Touched by love and it begun to stir

Maybe the seed that was once bashful is now opening to life
Maybe a small drizzle opened its colorful petals to thee
Maybe love has erased her pain and hurt and strife
Maybe this is how a tulip came to be.

 

Ortigas Center, Pasig City, 04/24/16 3:42 AM

Autumn Of Our Lives

I could think of so many excuses why I refuse to grow old. And why not, it seems only yesterday when we were in college. Prime of our lives, people calls it; back when we were fun and cares less if the air-conditioning system is blowing a winter right into our young faces. How long […]

Glowed In The Dark

earth

Just when the lights are off, we shone the brightest.

Last March 28, 2009 at 8:30 PM up until 9:30 PM, it was lights off in 647 cities and municipalities in the Philippines. No, it was not because of a power shortage, it was for a nobler reason- the Earth Hour. The Philippines ranked # 1 amongst all the countries that participated on this global event. The #2 spot was occupied by Greece with 484 cities participating. The official ranking was released by the WWF (World Wildlife Fund) office.


647 cities and municipalities estimated to have over 15 million participants from the country is a giant leap from the estimated 1 million participants from last year’s earth hour. This is clearly a sign of the country’s growing awareness with the environmental problems that we are facing.


Earth Hour is a brainchild of the World Wildlife Fund and the Sidney Morning Herald. The event started last 2007 when 2.2 million Sidney residents participated by turning their lights off including non-essential appliances for an hour. Since then Earth Hour is celebrated annually every last Saturday of March all over the world. The Earth Hour 2009 was participated by 88 countries and more than 4000 cities. A small country consisted of a group of islands in the Pacific led the way this year.


Is it something to be proud of? Of course it is! We maybe a nation of diverse dialects and different cultures but Filipinos knows how to unite when unity matters most. We are a nation of proud workers who took pride in the work we do no matter how menial it is and not a nation of servants who deserve nothing but scraps (as a racist Hong-Kong columnist claims). We are a nation who respect religious freedom and not prosecute those who differ from our belief. We are a nation of humble people who are slowly rediscovering our sense of patriotism again. Deep within this dormant flame lies an ember that still burns of Bayanihan. Let the Unity shown by this Malayan race during the Earth Hour 2009 stand as a testament to that.

A Journey Back To Endor

 

endor

The banana orchard at the back of my aunt’s house is long gone and I can barely remember how it looks like already, but if I close my eyes and think hard, I could still remember how it feels like to be there.


 

The orchard was a part of Manong Pancho’s property. It is untended, mosquito infested and magical. The banana orchard use to be our playground. I still remember how much my mother hated it when I play there because of the stains on my clothes when I go home. Yet no matter how many times I get pinched at my arms for playing there, I can’t resist going. We love pretending to be Ewoks, the furry, short, stocky, flat-faced, bear-like looking creatures living primitively in the forest moon of Endor. This George Lucas creation that first appeared on the movie Star Wars became our constant persona when we are playing at the banana orchard. That banana orchard was our Endor.


 

Usually when I arrive at the orchard, the brothers, Mado and Mar are already there, since they live the nearest to the place. also the brother tandem of Jon and Tirso (not their real names), and so with cousins Dino (not his real name) and Rowen.


When we’re playing ewoks, I was always Wickket, the leader of the ewoks, the other guys would think of their own names. Yet even though we play parts as ewoks our natural personality would eventually turn up. Mado and Mar are inseparable even when their roles (according to their names) as ewoks should not. Dino is quick to smile, he is a daredevil but he listens to me. He likes adventure and the youngest of us all. Jon is the bossy type and Tirso is the playful one. Rowen on the other hand is the silent type. We have different personality, looking back now; I wonder how we survived as friends.

When we assume the ewoks persona, everything turns magical. A simple banana tree would turn into an impregnable fortress, stones would turn into gold, sticks would become spears, the orchard would become the forrest of endor, and we would become immortals. Child play and all its grandeur, its magic and its sense of justice.

Time passed, we grew older I guess. and our forest of endor was forgotten. The awe for the mystery of endor was replaced with teenage adrenalin when we entered high school. We attended different schools. I found new friends, and my childhood friends found theirs.

I left our municipality to attend the university during college. I have lost track to almost everything from my hometown. I guess I stayed away too long.

When I finally had time to stay home, I was informed that Dino was sent to a juvenille detention facility. He was accused of raping a girl. There are rumors that he was high on drugs during the time the incident happened. I could hardly believe my ears. Dino the smiling kid? rape? My mind is trying to grasp a reality that it cannot absorb.

Time passed and we moved on, I was always away from home, but I tried to come home every chance I get. Everything is doing well when I heard the news that Tirso was arrested for stabbing someone to death. I heard that the stabbing was a result of an altercation during a basketball match. I sighed while listening to my mother telling me the news. I can’t just believe it is possible. I asked my mom who had he stabbed, she told me a name. The name sound very familiar, I her asked again, I heard it right the first time. It was a friend of mine during my high school days.

As I was writing this, a line from an old song called “constant change” keeps playing on my head, it goes; “have we outgrown our peter pan and wings?/ we’ve simply grown too old for tales of knights and king…”

Where have Endor gone? Where is its sense of fair play and justice? have we left it behind the banana orchard along with our childhood eons ago? Right now, if only I have a way to go back to that orchard in the time of the ewoks and the forest of Endor, I would.

Playing Memories in the Box of Smiles

Smell induces memories. It reminds us of things, of places, of times, of events that so long ago took place and was cramped up and locked into the lonely and forgotten corners of our mind. Waiting patiently to be revisited and smiled upon once more.

 

Whoever thought that rummaging through the dusty boxes in the forgotten nook in your house could be something that is worth doing?  Who would think that a simple dusty box sitting in the dark corner under the stair could pack so much smile.  Smiles that resonates from laughter dating back from many moons ago. Back when your muscles are less weary and your mind was less fogged. In the time when the heat of the sun is enough to warm your soul and the memory of the moon would keep you longing for the night. Back when things are much simpler.

 

Today, I was seating on my office chair. I was staring at my empty screen, watching the cursor blink. I can’t think but i needed to. I was pushing my brain to function too much, so much that I actually felt my head hurt. The pain seems to tear everything inside my head. I actually felt afraid that the pain would destroy so many stray memories I left along the corridors of my mind. I am in my mid 20s its to early to loose them.

 

I got out of my chair and stretched my back a bit. Ergonomic chairs are not as good as they are advertised.  Anna called for me from her chair, offering me a strawberry. I took one and smelled the fruit. It’s red and smells so sweet. I thanked Anna and went back to my chair and slouched. I closed my eyes and let my mind travel. The smell of the strawberry is so familiar. It smells like Christmas during my childhood; fun and carefree. It specifically smells like the strawberry perfume that my aunt, who was then working in Manila, gave my mother for Christmas. I remember putting the empty bottle of that perfume in that box along with my old doodle notes and some cheesy love letters written on linens with a sweet smell that I have received from pretty young ladies in high school back then. And some empty linen pads that I intend use for writing sweet nothings that I never had the guts to make happen. The box also contain the first six chapters of the novel entitled “Curtain of Smoke” that I began writing when I graduated from high school, something I am not so sure I could finish, Nevertheless, something that I enjoyed writing. In my life, that box contains my stash of smiles.

 

Sometimes I am amazed how we use the dig into the recess of our past to nullify the worries of the present. It is amazing how smell can put a smile back into our faces. It is amazing how playing memories from that box of smile could lighten up my day, even just from this ergonomic chair.